I haven’t posted in a month or so. I do space on this site way too frequently. So for the two or three of you who can still stand to read my bullshit – I apologize. For those of you who are gonna come in after I read this: ignore what I’m saying and subscribe for up to the minute posts with consistently brilliant monologues.
First things first, thanks to everyone who helped out on, attended, supported or paid me and Brian on the Reefer Gladness Tour. It was a god damn blast. I hate the road sometimes because of the loneliness and long drives and hangovers etc. But we kept the travel to a reasonable level and frankly I think I needed whatever isolation there was. I need it again. So anyone here that’s reading, I’m trying to hit the road again. Send me a message on here or Twitter or FB or some shit and let’s work some shit out.
Now, I’m also gonna plug the Fistful of Jokes Podcast. It’s getting better, a little more loose and we are having fun. So check it out at fistfulofjokes.castmate.fm. Leave us a voicemail too. We wanna be able to riff on shit that you think is important.
One of the things we talked about was Age of Ultron. I’m already ready to retract what I said. I like that movie now. What I don’t fucking like is all the accusations of sexist portrayals of Scarlett Johannson’s Black Widow character. You suck sometimes Internet. What the fuck is so bad about her character having a love interest? What is so bad about her calling herself a “monster” because she was sterilized as a young girl? What is so anti feminist about a girl wanting to get with someone and wishing she could have kids? The basic human shit about women is at least the option of having a kid. If a man was sterilized he would say the same shit! Or if the Hulk couldn’t use his dick because it was the center of his rage and for the safety of the world he cut it; he would call himself a fucking monster in that way too! You wanna say Marvel should get on point and make a Black Widow movie and have more of her toys out there, right on. But you wanna sit there and say that the movie was anti feminist when I would argue some of the neck breaking moves, the motorcycle scene and shit were just as if not more badass than any other character’s scenes, you’re a jack off. When the fuck did feminist side of shit turn things so far on its head that you can’t see the awesome fucking balance there? A woman can kill bad guys all over the place, have amazing scenes of action, find a romantic interest no fucking different than any of the other males in the goddamn group and just happen to say something self depricating that uses the term monster to relate to the person she wants and that’s all of a sudden anti feminist?? Look at the fucking dialogue you moron. Her love interest is sayin he can’t be with anyone because he’s a useless monster who can’t even have a family. She says she can’t do it either and she feels like a monster too. Both of them are wrong about defining themselves as monsters and that’s the fucking point of using the word for both characters to use in describing themselves.
Oh and how about the God damn feminism in the movie overall?!! Maria Hill takes on the the Nick Fury role for the avengers for most of the film. And one of the most bad ass characters and honestly my personal favorite of was Scarlet Witch. She had the most versatile powers and god damn if her temper and rage and emotions weren’t just as deadly as the fucking Hulk’s are. Fuck you stupid losers mutating feminism to meet your lonely stupid bullshit. Go see it and write to marvel to get more of their female leads some merchandise. I wanna fucking buy some too.
As I mentioned yesterday, I was going to get out from my bunker and do some stand up. Some normal person drinking and so forth. Well, it as a heck of an evening.
First, I end up getting some scary news just before I went on stage. My dad was driving down the road and a tree branch broke and fell from a high point on some tree through his windshield. Luckily he wasn’t hurt but when the phone conversation starts with, “Just thought I would call and let you know why your father’s car looks like Michael Douglas in Falling Down took his day out on his windshield…” it gave me a bit of a jolt.
But I was able to calm down quickly. Then I walked outside onto a porch. Immediately my right ear began ringing and my legs began going out from under me and it felt like the world was a ball being rolled along someone’s body as they were doing some dance move whose origin came from swimming moves. I fell more or less onto this window sill and needed quite a few minutes before I could regain my balance. So I tweeted out that info asking the natural question, “Does this mean I’m going to die?” Which is a shit question as the answer is “yes, inevitably”. Duh. Anyway, the only responses I received were SURVEY SAYS????
I would gladly take the U2 album Vertigo blaring through headphones taped to my head, my eyes forced open ala Clockwork Orange while watching Hitchcock’s Vertigo on a loop than feel that again. But I swear I can feel it coming on again. I read it can be something that one can continue to get and may even be related to migraines. I don’t think I have ever gotten them, at least not as I’ve heard friends who get them describe their experiences.
Anyway, after I regained my composure and balance I did stand up. But it was my next use of the microphone for which I am happiest and proudest. I kept drinking and eventually sang AC/DC’s “You Shook Me All Night Long” during the post mic karaoke. Felt pretty good actually. For all the emotional and literal head games and manipulation I’ve been through in the last few weeks, it was a real fucking release. Much. Needed.
Thanks by the way to all of you who read my blurbs. Haven’t had that kind of readership in a while. Follow this page so you get updates when I post and stuff. Follow the bandsintown for shows and Twitter for jokes, and some of that other stuff too.
It’s Sunday and for a lot of you who may or may not eventually read this, it’s a funday of drinking. At least in the city next to me anyway. The fucking St. Patrick’s Day parade. It’s a day when people pretend to be interested in a section of our Earthly society that is green and located in Europe. No one wants to fuck a ginger but boy is their culture appealing when it means you can wear stupid socks and hats while day drinking in the street. I really hope there’s a brutally honest wedding that happens a few years from now, in which, some best man regales the assembled masses with the story of how the couple met by pouring Guinness on themselves in an alley to go from dry humping to wet humping and that the way the inflatable hat one of them was wearing with the sun behind them made them look like a sloth angel and they knew that’s who they wanted to spend their lives with.
Meanwhile, I’m back in the bunker. I’ll be doing stand up tonight and yelling at people through a microphone and getting drunk – like a normal person. God fucking damn it. I’ll be heading on tour in a little over a month and I can’t fucking wait. Ten days or so out in the middle of nowhere where the only discouraging and hurtful voices I will hear will be from one of two places: my head and some nameless, faceless crowd member (possibly). At least then I can pour booze on top of it and move on to the next city. Any hurt you feel can maybe go away by the next hotel room stop.
By the way, I think there are going to be some recordings happening in Kent. I’m hoping to walk away with at least a good audio recording and some DVD quality video. Might eventually put them up for sale afterward. So please put your change in a jar from now until the end of April and you’ll probably have enough. You’ll have some documentation of my existence and I’ll have change for parking meters and tolls. Then we can both die contentedly.
I’m writing to you from a bunker* made of broken rainbow sleeves and radial tires. Damn it. There’s nothing that can thwart inertia than a torrential downpour. I can say that freely as I’ve never lived in a place that has been firebombed. Anyway folks, I’ve got a lot of shit coming up that you might be interested in coming to so I’ll rapid fire this shit to you now. Also, if you are interested in my show dates and such – go to the tab labeled SHOWS and it’ll link you to my bandsintown site. That will allow you to “follow” my whereabouts and such. Oh and please, maybe tell like one friend about this site and both of you “follow” eh? It would mean a bunch. Okay back to the shows and shit. Here goes:
…wait before I do. Even though I’m not a fan of Prince on the whole, I just revisited this video of the performance he did with bunch of other rock icons of The Beatles, “While My Guitar Gently Weeps” in honor of George Harrison for his Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction. First off, can Jeff Lynne look more like a guy who won the lottery in the 80’s, bought a boat and spends most of his days drinking white wine in short shorts listening to Yacht Rock? Dude, no one can rock that hat. Not unless it’s some kind of pale green and you’re on a tiny fishing boat and you look like the guy from Deliverance as seen here before his “big” scene:
Anyway, Tom Petty looks fucking bored. Just bored. Dude, the guy clapping his hands together near the bongos in the background is fucking KILLING IT while you look like you’ve just been handed a parking ticket and your meal check 10 minutes after you popped an Ambien. Show a little fucking enthusiasm huh? Even ol’ Sleepy Eyed George could’ve cracked a smile or some shit. Well had he been alive.
In any case, let me get back to my point. Prince just comes out of nowhere and SLAYS. But the thing of it is – from what the lore I’ve heard – HE HAD NEVER HEARD IT PRIOR TO THE PEFORMANCE. Stellar performance even if that isn’t true. But holy fuck if it’s true. Here’s the clip:
Hi everyone, (and by that I kinda mean like 3 people who will read this or respond)
I’m on tour with the very funny Darik Santos. We’ve both had a wonderful time with our shows and people we’ve met and so forth. Tonight in Charleston, West Virginia was a blast. But we’re both going through some stuff and depression is a bitch. The nice hotels have been amazing – check out Ignite Hotel Services – Adam has been great to us. Finding inexpensive places to stay for minimal effort..finally artists have something going for them.
But fuck man, some things get you down and don’t let go. No matter how much you hold on and try to make sense of the efforts you make and the balance you try to bring to your speech and your candor, it’s never good enough. People, I want to be clear: I’m an imperfect person and always will be. That’s humanity I think. We do the best we can until we drop. Unless you’re a psychopath. Then you feel nothing and don’t give a shit about anything.
But unfortunately, I do feel things. It’s difficult sometimes to even breath and I’m tired. No matter what happens, there always seems to be some wrinkle, some moment where I can’t understand why it is that a person or people dont understand the words coming out of my mouth. Or maybe they don’t focus on the strength it takes to get up every day and while depressed, or broken hearted or tired and be positive as you can and supportive to those around you.
I’m 34. It’s been years of trying to figure myself, human nature and human interaction out. No amount of family, friend, girlfriends and so forth have brought me closer to feeling like the human condition is that outside of ourselves (me included) we have very little compassion or tolerance for other people. Life is brought unto us without asking and after that, we deal with what we’re given. There’s a lot of beauty to be had but a lot of hurt to be thrust upon each other in the process. Depending on your makeup, how you were raised and the shit you’ve been through your tolerance might be high or low in dealing with this. Mine has turned to low.
I just don’t want to come off the road and feel more empty than I already do. What for? Jobs on the side to support this dream? To feel emptier than I do out here? Why?
Live your life kids. You might only get one. Be careful of where you place your heart. It’s still about survival out there. When I’m gone I hope to get as good of an ending as Doug Stanhope’s character in the Louie episode. At least in that fictitional scenario, someone listened.
I’m doing this show – if you’re in that part of Mass, come out for this fun time!
Hey! The show above is the first of the three I’m doing this week. I’ve heard great things about this monthly show, so please come check it out if you have a chance.
You can get free passes!! Here they are!! You’re welcome!!
On Wednesday, I’ll be at the FunnyBone in Manchester. It’s a contest and I’m hoping some folks can come by and show some support. Above is the ticket that will get you in for nothing more than the service fee. That’s pretty awesome. You don’t even have to print it; you can show the staff from your phone and you’re still guaranteed entry. Sooooooooo convenient!
On Thursday, I’m going to be opening for the incredibly funny Kyle Kinane at the Ballroom in Hamden!! For those of you not in the know, the Ballroom is within the friendly confines of The Outer Space which is across from The Space. Above is the link for the tickets. By the way, there are less than 15 left. If you don’t have them, get them now because they’re gonna sell out. Done deal. It’s gonna be closed doors. Manic Productions and Fistful of Jokes have really been putting out great shows lately and I’m stoked to be a part of one of them. Please go to their respective pages on FB and find out the latest from them.
I can’t wait to perform at all these shows. If you can come hang, it would be great to see you. In February, I’ve got a show in Stamford before I head out on the road with Darik Santos, of “America’s Got Talent” Season 9. Be sure to check out my Bandsintown link in the shows section to follow the tour and all my other shows. Thanks for the support!
I hope the holidays, if you celebrated them, were good to you and yours. Yes, yours too. I mean, if you’re reading this and dig it and they’re related to you or thought you were cool and are dating or married to you, they can’t be that bad right? Unless it’s like that uncle who robbed an old lady for crack money. Even then that dude was in a bad state and it might not be completely indicative of his overall personality hmm?
I digress. Anyway, I’m asking the internet for help. I’m going out on the road again, this time with my friend Darik Santos (dude was on America’s Got Talent Season 9). You can check out my tourdates to see where we’re headed. Now here’s the request: Yes, I would like it if you came out to the shows. Yes, I would like it if while you were there, you had a good time and bought any merchandise we have so we can afford burritos. But really I’m trying to ask you about this:
Are you a blogger? Are you a podcaster? Are you one of the few souls left in print media? Are you that one person who still is allowed to spew their voice on the airwaves?
If so, we are asking for some help. We’re trying to promo this tour (and I’ll also be doing this with every subsequent tour with Brian Barganier that I’m inevitably going to be going out and doing in the coming months, not to mention solo ventures) and we need help. So please, if you’re in any of the following cities or their neighbor cities or whatever, please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org or hit me up on Twitter, Facebook or email me here so we can hook stuff up. Also, it’s very likely I’ll be doing my own podcast by then and/or the live ustream.tv stuff I did with Brian on the last tour(s) so if you’re a comic or a person with the above mentioned vocations – we will gladly promote your stuff too!
Since I’m lazy and expect others to be too, here are the tourdates and cities we will be in:
February 4: Buffalo, NY
February 5: Cleveland, Ohio
February 6: Chillocothe, Ohio
February 7: Oxford, Indiana
February 8: Nashville, Tennessee
February 9: St. Louis, Missouri
February 10: Louisville, Kentucky
February 11: Charleston, West Virginia
February 12: Morgantown, West Virginia
February 13: New Brunswick, New Jersey
Thanks for all the help! Hope to see you out on the road! I’ve also got some local dates coming up so please check out the tourdates and follow my bandsintown profile for up to date information on my shows!!
Why…hello there!! I hope you’re doing well. I drank absinthe with my extended family this weekend and I think have finally begun to recover. Last night I did stand up in a Thistle Inn with a magician, some eastern European ‘comedy’ and finally some music. I enjoyed the guacamole and the wine. So, there’s my weekend haha.
Alright down to some brass tax here. My brother and I have been running the Fistful of Jokes Comedy Series (Twitter: @FistfulofJokes, FB: http://www.facebook.com/fistfulofjokes) on our lonely for a while. But we’ve been lucky enough to work with our pals at Manic Productions (www.manicproductions.org Twitter: @manicproduction) recently and the shows are stellar. Check them out:
Please check out these links, like all the pages and most of all, ATTEND THE SHOWS!! Have a good laugh courtesy of Fistful, Manic and comedy!
I’m in the midst of booking my next stand up tour, which as of now will be in February with Darik Santos @darikstanos) who appeared on last season’s America’s Got Talent! We’re hitting the midwest and could use some help on a few dates. If you or someone you know has a good venue on Feb. 4 between Ohio and CT, preferably not too north (I’m driving a little hatchback, dead of winter, seriously) that would be amazing. We need a bit more than that, but that’s a start. I’ll get back when more solidified dates come about.
Also, Brian Barganier and I are going to hit the road again in the spring; I’m not sure if it’ll be early or late yet. In any case, we’re looking to perform at breweries and bars that have some cool or unique notoriety to them. So if you know of, work at or drink at any place like that, hit me up. Or hit Brian up (@BrianBarganier)
Lastly, I’m going to be performing at the Russian Lady in New Haven this Saturday night! It’s chock full of awesome performers and good people. I’m excited about this one and you should be too. It’s possibly the last stand up date I’ll be doing in CT before the end of the year (proper show; I’ll def be at mics and whatnot) so please come support the local comedy scene and have a few drinks and laughs with us! Here’s the event page link: https://www.facebook.com/events/586740268121337/?pnref=story